did i mention i don't have internet?

but i do have yarn and needles. working on a scarf for the winter, then a blanket. i think that "knitting" has feminine connotations, so i like to refer it as "tying knots". lots and lots of little knots.

went on a bike ride with charlie today, on the greenway behind my apartment. apparently, it goes much farther than i thought. we did a 14 mile ride today, passing lots of turn-offs and i'm sure the trail goes much farther than where we road to. from my place to lake shelley is about 4 miles, and is pretty flat the whole way. which means: great place to run. the river next to the greenway is very "pretty".

i don't know. i just might never move out of that apartment.

the baymar bachelor

i am almost completely settled.

i have no internet or cable.

i don't have a microwave.

i have one neighbor and my back yard is woods and river.

the spiders are persistent.

the morning sunshine doesn't exactly shine in.

i wander from room to room some times, getting used to it.

it is going to be a good year.

i signed the lease for my new place today. it's always a little scary doing that. who knows what can happen in a year. well, i have an idea. but i have a decent place to lay my head, it's right on a greenway where i can run and bike along a river, and it has a fireplace. though i've lived alone for almost a year, this will be my very first apartment of my own--the lease only in my name. mr. solo dolo. it's exciting, and at the same time has me thinking, "Gulp." i liked the place from the start, though. the agent asked me after the first tour, "do you have any more questions?" and i said, "can i have it?"

it's also near umstead park, and lakes lynn and shelley. also, it's not in apex. not that apex is that bad, but no one wants to drive "all the way to apex." so hopefully i'll start seeing more of my friends more often.

my plan is to keep the place simply comfortable, or comfortably simple. having other people's stuff stored at the place i'm leaving made me really dislike the feeling of living among clutter and possessions. i've made a list of the things i need. the fate of the other things is yet to be determined.

i'm doing away with the idea of an art space like i had here at creekside. while i did use it occasionally, i have less space at my new place. plus, i want to focus on reading and writing over the next year, particularly poetry and songwriting. poetry has largely slipped away in my life, and i'm going to chase it down again. but only it's forms, not the content that i used to compulsively fall back to. i've realized while reading over my old poems that much of it was my attempt to deal with x person (girl) or x relationship. while these topics aren't unimportant, i know that there is much more going on in the world than all that. so no more driving a five-speed in first gear only.

my new place does not have a microwave. i went to target to price microwaves, and i'm wondering how necessary one would be. they are helpful, but i don't think i need one. it is these kinds of things--things that help to make life easier--that so easily clutter me into a feeling of claustrophobia lately. be gone, microwaves! be gone, infinite steak knives! be gone, forgotten calendars open to the wrong month!

but stay, you meaningful things. remind me where i've been. suggest where i might go, or should go.

i keep having friends tell me that 1.) i need to find a girl, or 2.) that i'll find someone soon, when i least expect it, etc. i honestly am starting to wonder if i have "single" written on my face, or embedded in my expressions. i really don't mean to give these sort of signals, if, in fact, i am. i'm actually starting to feel more focused on becoming the person i want to be; comfortable with my relationship status. so i don't know why i keep hearing these sort of remarks. first, i don't think i need to find a girl. and second, i really think that "you'll find someone when you least expect it" is just plain ridiculous, first as a smug statement, but also as an idea. why would anyone bother saying something like that. if it's true, you are probably actually hurting their chances of finding anyone. by saying it, you remind them of a potential mystery relationship out there and get them thinking about it and expecting it. so now that they've been reminded, they have to then once again get to the point of "not expecting it." why not just say, "forget about finding someone. it's not going to happen for a while. just try to enjoy being the single friend who no one wants to date, but can do as he pleases." i think that would be more constructive, anyway, and makes me feel like i'm no longer in the "valentine cards for yourself" aisle.

"this is our concern, dude."

i have a bump on my left leg that looks like a spider bite. this thought scares me, because i think if it is a spider bite, when did i get bitten? oh, did i mention we've found several black widows at our starbucks lately? and if not there, then i picture myself lying in bed one night or morning, with some hideous creature crawling up my leg and sinking its grotesque fangs into me. what did i ever do to it, but pay rent in a lower-income compartment complex. no offense, creekside apts, but you are a far cry from the american dream.

today was not a great day. job searching bummed me way out.

treadmill knows all :-P

6.65 miles in 62 minutes. burned 1064 calories. so if i do this three and a half times a week, i'll lose a pound (3500 calories) a week. this routine would put me at my goal in 5 months. maybe sooner if i make sure i'm eating healthy too. ah, that's a little overwhelming to think about...so i'm going to try not to.

just a little health diet journal entry.

all the value of my life is wrapped up into this very day -- today -- this one day that i am alive. only today offers me the chance to make choices. yesterday's choices are written down. tomorrow's choices are unknown. but today i have the ability to decide.

and at the same time, yesterday, today, and tomorrow are all one. though i may sleep in between, does time stop or break, leaving a gap between days? no. it is a seamless progression, an endless scroll.

i realized today that the world needs me. it needs me to live up to my potential, to be me to the very edges of who i can be: loony; goofy; awkward; different; at times, hard to understand; but kind; passionate; friendly; musical; romantic; thoughtful and thoughtless; wishful; energetic; trusting; curious; soft-spoken; unafraid; awed; intimate; forgiving; quick to love; slow to let go. everything me.

i have followed my friends around. i have slept on their floors like a faithful dog. i have been obedient, not whimpered, not barked. now it is time to be me, put on my shoes like a man, find out where me wants to go, without apology. the runaway dog leaves the family disappointed and concerned, but who knows the happy places it finds in the wild. sunlit woods. lakes with fish and ducks to chase.

i'm looking ahead on a "make it or break it" time. i don't have a plan, except to know that whatever i find, i meet it with all my abilities, all my heart, and come out on the other side a better man.

late one day in the middle of week
my eyes were closed, i was half asleep
i chased me a woman up the hill
right in the middle of an air raid drill
i jumped a fallout shelter
i jumped a string bean
i jumped a tv dinner
i jumped a shotgun

i've been tired lately; i am quite tired at the moment. listening to bob dylan and drinking raspberry lemonade (from concentrate). i was doing some recording, just me and my acoustic guitar, and some neighbor banged on the wall. i can't believe they could even hear me. i was just finger picking and singing softly, like i always do. and it's friday night, live a little, right? but it reinforces my feelings about apartment living. i'm gonna find a house when i move out of here. i can't share walls and floors with strangers anymore. especially strangers who can't even handle acoustic music. it's not like i'm throwing a dance party over here.

i'm feeling very cynical about starbucks these days. i work the drive thru and it seems so strange to me that people are so dependent on the drinks they order. they love to say they "need" such and such drink. i'm being judgy mcjudgerton though. i was there, hitting up the coffee every day. i don't know what it is, but i see people eager, cars stacked up in the drive thru, and i hate it for them. i just want to say "stop it! no more! we're not giving you any more!"

i throw things into my customer greetings like "thank you for choosing starbucks at grace park. i love you. what can we get started for you?" nobody seems to even notice, or react, or care. they just start in, "i need a vintay..." i feel like a gatekeeper, and the sheep are just shuffling on through.

so i'm going to get certification to be a teacher. i don't know what it will take, or how much it will cost, but i have to do something.

well, i finally got her phone number. i'm already planning something for next week. and i think my current dread of dating will serve a good purpose.

i met a young girl, she gave me a rainbow

di quella pira

first of all, there's no supermarket that's gonna tell me what i can put on my pizza. studio pictures showing canned ingredients. no way, kimosabe. i dicide what i want and build on a foundation.

freewheelin' bob dylan is an album that i'm listening to at the moment. heard many of these songs in todd's car as we drove through big sur. i made a mental note then that i needed to listen to bob dylan more. just like i made a mental note to listen to roy orbison and adele more.

i've been out of the apartment once today, to go to food lion. it's been that sort of localized day.

i miss the west coast. i felt at home among the people there. i could talk all the crazy thoughts in my head, and get understanding looks in return. i miss anywhere different from here, really. which makes me think about my lease being up at the end of next month.

Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
-t.s.e.

when the barrel has been scraped dry, carry on my wayward son? "always have a dream. you must have passion." that is what the women from thailand said.

i briefly looked at my boxed up belongings. ha! these things belong to me?

why?!

i'm thinking now of the drive back from arrowhead lake, ca. down almost 6,000 feet of mountain cliff roads, listening to Adele. i was so sad that day. i knew my trip was coming to an end, and after all the amazing times i had, i was no closer to love than i had been a week before that.

thank you for curing me of this ri-DICULOUS ob-SESSION with LOOOOVE.

oh, i don't know.

i'm looking around, thinking about where else there is to go....

i miss my brothers. i miss my sister. i miss my parents. my grandparents, i haven't seen in years. my cousins, spread across the states of america.

a hundred little let-downs. stood up so many times that now: game off, i'll believe it when i see it. it was enough to love once.

ran tonight, for the fist time since before i went to california. i was going to do 10k (6.2 miles), but stopped at 5.5 miles because my quads told me it was time to stop. you have to listen to your body sometimes. but i feel really good right now. i still need to register for the half marathon, which stinks because i think the fee went up last week. ah well.

todd says: "this time is for adventure. forever will wait a while." i know he's right. i should be making the most of these days to define or understand myself, to pattern myself after good models, to grow, to seek and find. these days should be seen as a blessing.

but what actually happens is that i feel lonely. i dream adventures, but immediately think of how much more fun they'd be with a hand to hold through them. i work my shifts at starbucks. i spend time with friends, not doing much at all. i read books every once in a while. i pick aphids off my plants, squeezing them between my fingers. i listen to music. i drive. i buy groceries. i apply for jobs and never hear anything back. once in a while i record a snippet or a rough version of a song.

this time is for adventure.

what adventure, i wonder. i'm sitting here trying to think of the most exciting adventure, something to really stir me, el raro ecantamiento. but i can't help but feeling that finding love tops it all. it sure feels like a rare adventure, anyway.

but i've made a list of goals for myself, and i've started trying to actualize them. one of my top goals right now is to stop being so spiritually lazy. i realized that about myself when i was in california. my more-liberal friends put great effort and thought into their debates, and dig deeper than i have in a while. it was encouraging to see people trying, even when the answers aren't clear. so that's one thing i'm working on.

another thing i wrote was: allow passion to exist. use it to find direction. i do feel unfocused as far as life goals go. since college, i kind of separated my passions (music, poetry, traveling, friendships, etc.) from my employment endeavors. maybe they should be a little more intertwined? maybe not very likely in this economy, but we'll see. i know i should be doing what i'm passionate about. that's what the lady at the post office in california told us. and she was the #2 student out of 11,000 in a thailand university. i just can't take this feeling i've been feeling much longer. 27 is relatively young, but it's pushing it in terms of making something of myself. i don't want to be 30 and still working at starbucks.

she told me that i should never feel bad about moving on. i think i am afraid of making myself a liar. i said forever, and despite everything i still feel it, or at least the weight of such a promise. it should be much easier than this. much, much easier. ah, ever-hopeful tommy with his pockets full of memories.

tomorrow night, a get together of friends, where i'll meet--for the second time--a girl i'm sort of being set up with. well, not set up. kind of like...putting two fish in a bowl and seeing if they kiss. i dunno, she's cool, but it's so hard to act normal when you've been through the "you should meet so-and-so" and then when you do, you know everyone else in the room is trying to notice if there is a spark. if i were writing a romantic comedy, that's not how i'd have the guy and girl meet. but this is, after all, real life. so hey, we'll see. this time is for adventure.

27

1. in the morning i like to wiggle my toes a lot.
2. i slept on pfeiffer beach in big sur. kept sliding down the sand hill all night.
3. the big lebowski is my favorite movie for the time being.
4. i like the things that sunlight does all over the place.
5. i wonder how much of my plants have been eaten by aphids since i've been gone.
6. all franz ferdinand songs sound similar to me.
7. i will finally relax.
8. music is my love language. if you sing well, i love you.
9. all my bags are packed. two boxes await shipment back to nc.
10. i had some fun being frivolous, but found it as empty as being frugal.
11. they're out there right now...those people i'll have to make drinks for on friday night.
12. august 12th. i've been alive 27 years. younger people have accomplished much more than me.
13. met a lady from thailand at the post office. she had an incredible story to tell.
14. early kings of leon tunes, such as "king of the rodeo," are perfect for painting.
15. a painting awaits me at home, half finished.
16. the time zone difference between the east and west coast still interests me.
17. in-n-out burgers taste good. in-n-out animal fries taste good. but they are bad.
18. i've been to several places in the past week that i have no idea where they are or how to get to them.
19. san francisco was very different from what i pictured. it's amazing how much ocean fog can affect the temperature.
20. who was lawrence ferlinghetti, really?
21. i might never see mt. rubidoux, or maybe i'll just have to wait.
22. if i ever have a dog of my own, marley is my ideal dog.
23. riverside is brown like they told me. i feel the city struggling against the desert.
24. sea lions are noisy, rude, and disgusting.
25. bob dylan is smarter than i knew.
26. there is still so much to read, to see, and to learn.
27. i guess it's time to go home.

...just in case you haven't heard of Adele yet...

i like how she just says "Thank you, have a good day," and walks off stage :-P

i've been everywhere, man

about to wrap up my trip and head home. tomorrow (today?) is my birthday. i'm sitting on a couch, listening to "what's in it for me" by the walkmen, a favorite song of mine, and not because of the lyrics, but because of the music. brandon and james are discussing financial investments and retirement, and i shrink at turning 27. i'm really not happy about it. yes, you are only as old as you feel. lately, though, i'm feeling ancient. antique. but i'm on the eve of my greatest turn-around. soon i'll be feeling better about a lot of things.

where have i been, what have i done. flew into LAX. drove to riverside. sushi lunch. el torito. talked funny things ("Marley. MARLEY! GET OUTSIDE!"), hung out, drove the city streets. friends of yours are friends of mine. went to LA with david. philipes. planned our trip to: big sur (slept in sleeping bags on a moonlit silver beach--no words), pacific coast highway, san francisco (walked miles and miles, pier 39, city lights bookstore--bought lorca), south forever in traffic, kicked off a beach, nowhere to sleep, no vacancies...driving forever, finally you, watsonville, you have a room for four tired boys. then south forever again on the 101, santa barbara smote us in her mighty traffic, but at last arriving to the smog of riverside. pass a day in rest mode, but antsy. late night mountain cabin trip, up 5-odd-thousand feet into the mountains, lake arrowhead. so much driving i just can't stand to sit any more. not looking forward to 7 hours of airplane rides tomorrow night.

but it was a great trip. i learned things about myself. many deep discussions about life and faith, about religion and love and people. riverside, you have a good group of boys. i did gain some weight, though. all this "man, you've really gotta try such-and-such restaurant" caught up with me. but this was a once in a long, long while trip. i'm glad i was able to do it, and i have a lot of good memories to help carry me through some possibly tough months ahead.

so, another year older. this past year has been one of the longest and hardest i've had, a deeply bittersweet year. one that has made me more reminiscent than ever. in some ways, i know i'm still stuck and waiting for...something that just hasn't happened yet, likely never will. and i'm not exactly looking forward. i should be. i should be making plans and getting out there. but this past year was at first so encouraging and then so immobilizing that i've been feeling apathetic about romance, about employment. but time passes anyway, no matter what anyone is going through, or has gone through. so tomorrow, while todd is at work, i'm going to sketch out the person that i want to be, all aspects. and that will be my goal for the year to come.

are you ready, whispering in the dark?
you tried to tell us, but this was another loving heart.

hear it
(freestyled lyrics)

five more minutes on the gravel driveway, tell my momma i gotta go my way, everybody seems to know exactly where to go, and now i'm headin on, like i should've done when i turned 21, and i'll find a road, even if i've gotta pave it on my own

five more, think about it all the time, every little thing that rolls in my mind has something to do with the way i wanted you, but everybody's gotta lose a little bit of their self and their heart in this thing called hell. life: anything you gotta do, just to get you through so

five more minutes on the gravel driveway, tellin my momma i gotta go my way, everybody seems to know exactly where to go

now i'm gone, i'm up an leavin, like i should done when i was 18, you tell me where to go, but i'm gonna pave the road. from now on you better believe this that there's nothin that i'm gonna miss

everybody seems to know exactly where that i should go

late last night i had a crazy dream,
the craziest dream that i ever did dream...

so i followed my angel down the crazy river
to where i know the water is dirty and dark and it runs so cool
she told me "cast out your will and then cut the line."
and with the trust of a child somehow i knew it'd be alright

even though i don't know, where does it end?
i don't even know where it begins
and i'm never quite sure, but i know in the end
my angel told me so

-m.s.
__________________________________________________

last night was a long night of crazy dreams. there was an off-road tour de france, fighting kittens, and helicopter escapes on a dangling rope, among other dream things. i think, maybe, i'm just excited about going to california?

waiting on a turkey roast that is baking in the oven....

after a few steps on the treadmill tonight, i knew i had to "...go farther, go further, go harder. is that not why we came? and if not, then why bother?" so i ran 6.5 miles on the old treadmill. it felt great, and wasn't really that hard. near the end i started wondering if i should stop before i hurt myself, but i just had to know if i could do it. well, i can. so i'm at least capable of running 7 miles now, which is half of a half marathon. this is encouraging, and i think i can safely put my name on the list for the half this fall. just gotta make sure i get myself prepared.

my ears fell in love today.

that's all.

feeling so bogged down right now, living in a place that is cram-crowded with stuff i'm not sure i even want. just things everywhere, some packed in boxes against walls. i want my own place, just simple, open, bright. when i move out of here, i'm going to simplify even more than i have. get rid of all but the basics. i don't need 10 plates. i don't need 20 cups. i don't need 25 butter knives. i don't need bookshelves or stools.

well, like radin sings--

‘cause I see now
it's just one of those days
now a year has passed
alone I stay inside
and I await the rain
to wash away your face

was working on a painting, but i didn't like the way it started going. this happens sometimes, i create my image, and then the colors distort it. it's not awful. it's just not what i planned. first, the canvas wouldn't take the water-colors, then the blue sky looked too dark. but honestly, from across the room, it's looking a little better as the light from the window fades. hues, tints, lighting. who knows.

i passive-aggressively deleted a girl's phone number from my phone thursday. she's been a little flaky and undependable. i always feel bad about doing things like that, because i am willing to give people endless chances. but when you stand someone up enough times, you have to expect for there to be consequences. maybe my grace was perceived as weakness. i dunno. the things people have told me lately about the way dating works--how to "create interest/excitement"--it's really turned me off to the whole thing.

my point is, you had coffee yesterday. you're gonna have it tomorrow. i'm not some white horse sprinting from shanty town to shanty town, crushing up java beans.

the quotes i include express feelings or emotions, and shouldn't necessarily be taken literally. but this whole "creating interest" business. these games that people play. wait two days to call. keep the upper hand. exert yourself. follow this or that advice.

what's weird is the feeling that it's not in me. i can take people's advice all day long. do this, say this...and she'll be interested in you. that's just obviously ridiculous. real life cyrano de bergerac. it's not in me because it's not me. i'm easy-going. i'm not very assertive. maybe women want a protector. in most situations i can think of, i would honestly prefer just talking things out. so apparently everything that a guy should do in a relationship is counter-intuitive to me. does this mean i should "declare this the summer of" tom?

every day i grow older. one more step along this road. gravity, is workin' against me, and gravity wants to bring me down.

i suppose it's my own time of survival mode. no one wants to hire me, or even respond to my applications. i have some time left, but i just don't know what's going to happen next. it's enough to make me think that college was a seriously expensive waste of time, that my work experience was the same, and that all my past relationships were hollow dreams.

...i'm just not having a good evening. every once in a while certain things in my life are more evident, and i am disappointed by how little i've done in life. my righteousness, my works, are filthy rags indeed. i know if i had someone by my side, these days would be much easier to deal with.

...and my friends tell me that i shouldn't even be thinking about whether a new relationship will be something serious someday. they're right, you can't go into it with expectations that high. but i suck at that. blah blah blah.

but i do get to go to CA in a week or so. i'm squirming for a cross-country trip that goes well for once.

time to go run off some of this garbage in my head.

2.6-mile run in umstead park on tuesday, 2-mile run yesterday, and today...let's see. should i bike or run? ah, schedule says it's a 3-mile run today. I guess it's time to try my "creekside 5k". i biked an extended version of it this past weekend to get a feel for it, so i guess it's time to run it.

i think i'll be doing a lot more with music stuff soon. i've increased my computer's musical capabilities, so hopefully that'll be one obstacle out of the way of the creative process. and hopefully things will sound better when i put them on my myspace.

looks like i just might be able to pull off this trip to california that i've been hoping for. not only do i really want to go, but i feel bad because todd has come to nc so many times, and we never go out there to ca. it's just strange that a week long trip will be cheaper than a 4 day trip. i better get my neruda and ginsberg in order, haha.

but for now, off to run, then dinner with a friend.