for amy: i wish you flowers “of wind and play.”
and exactly after wishing this, turn
to a lamp-lit room where flowers have forgotten
to be.
and in the midst of this, these
sorts of whims and gradients of halogen
and filament--
be still, amy. do be still.
it is here if any ever or never at all
you will feel
these. second's. meanings.
and who is this and what has he done
or claim that he can do?
however:
what you feel in fact i believe you
know this to be true.
be still, amy | still be amy.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
i mispoke a little bit, i did keep the one that you helped me make into something, and your sunset over water. the one that was my attempt at acrylic i plan on covering over with a new painting, if that is possible. the other, i framed and will keep, because i really did like it.
i have an art studio in my new apartment. i spent hours last night constructing a floor cover made of cardboard boxes and table cloths. it should do the trick.
the past couple days have been overwhelmingly empty. i've made a few runs back to the old apt. to pick up the last of the things 'yota the corolla can carry. lately, that place gives me the shivers. i don't know why. it has somehow become a painful place for me to go. i think it is seeing it empty that is doing that to me. but honestly, i have been pretty isolated and emotional the past few days. i've been feeling very insecure, and i have realized again that i hate to be alone.
so this is what i come to the canvas with...these frictions and questions and stares. i listen to pandora internet radio non-stop, all night long. i take my time, hours sometimes, cooking meals. it is like being on thin ice, yet not knowing with whom or for what reason. only weeks ago i laughed in the morning and sang at sunset. now, i just don't know what i'm doing or where i'm going. for me, it was never really about what i do...what goals i have...it was always about enjoying the people around me and the now. i think...
so when i'm on my own, it feels like there is too much space. the underlying issues and the unpacked boxes are cluttering everywhere, but the solitude expands beyond them all and demands a certain resolution.
but i stand wondering in a limbo. i look here...box. i look there...box. if only i could gather up and head out to somewhere else, something else, someone else. it has been an unfair six months, and it i feel like it's exactly what i deserve.
i have an art studio in my new apartment. i spent hours last night constructing a floor cover made of cardboard boxes and table cloths. it should do the trick.
the past couple days have been overwhelmingly empty. i've made a few runs back to the old apt. to pick up the last of the things 'yota the corolla can carry. lately, that place gives me the shivers. i don't know why. it has somehow become a painful place for me to go. i think it is seeing it empty that is doing that to me. but honestly, i have been pretty isolated and emotional the past few days. i've been feeling very insecure, and i have realized again that i hate to be alone.
so this is what i come to the canvas with...these frictions and questions and stares. i listen to pandora internet radio non-stop, all night long. i take my time, hours sometimes, cooking meals. it is like being on thin ice, yet not knowing with whom or for what reason. only weeks ago i laughed in the morning and sang at sunset. now, i just don't know what i'm doing or where i'm going. for me, it was never really about what i do...what goals i have...it was always about enjoying the people around me and the now. i think...
so when i'm on my own, it feels like there is too much space. the underlying issues and the unpacked boxes are cluttering everywhere, but the solitude expands beyond them all and demands a certain resolution.
but i stand wondering in a limbo. i look here...box. i look there...box. if only i could gather up and head out to somewhere else, something else, someone else. it has been an unfair six months, and it i feel like it's exactly what i deserve.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
it was a long day of packing and moving, but i still have so much more to do. i'm just glad i started like two weeks early.
made some chili tonight, and found out my roomie chris is going to be moving to colorado to live with his cousin and work on a golf course. he's really excited, and i'm happy for him, too. i think it'll be good for him. he asked me if i want to go, and the conversation i had with a teacher today made me halfway consider it. apparently, this area is not good for teachers right now. i guess i'll have to choose another route or another place. but i'm not worried. life always progresses. not matter what's happening, it can always be seen as an improvement if you're willing to be optimistic and flexible.
it was sort of a hard day today, packing up things. i came across receipts and things from when i first moved into the place, and it of course got me thinking. but chris gave me a good talking to and i picked my head up. it wasn't a what-if thing with me, it was just a looking back over things thing, like looking through a yearbook years after you graduate.
the future is bright for those who see it so.
nc, co, ca, wa, we are all burning on as we go.
...and the border of tomorrow is already racing its way toward us around this globe.
made some chili tonight, and found out my roomie chris is going to be moving to colorado to live with his cousin and work on a golf course. he's really excited, and i'm happy for him, too. i think it'll be good for him. he asked me if i want to go, and the conversation i had with a teacher today made me halfway consider it. apparently, this area is not good for teachers right now. i guess i'll have to choose another route or another place. but i'm not worried. life always progresses. not matter what's happening, it can always be seen as an improvement if you're willing to be optimistic and flexible.
it was sort of a hard day today, packing up things. i came across receipts and things from when i first moved into the place, and it of course got me thinking. but chris gave me a good talking to and i picked my head up. it wasn't a what-if thing with me, it was just a looking back over things thing, like looking through a yearbook years after you graduate.
the future is bright for those who see it so.
nc, co, ca, wa, we are all burning on as we go.
...and the border of tomorrow is already racing its way toward us around this globe.
Monday, May 18, 2009
i'm tempted to say something "bloggish" like: "this is either going to be a short smug post where i say i can't put the past week into words, or the longest post i've ever written, just to do it justice." but maybe there is a middle ground. i do have a lot to write about, and i'm currently trying to process it all and decide what level of detail to set the filter at, like a telescope, or a microscope.
telescopically, it has been an amazing week. i got to see my friend, my bodhisattva from CA, and got to meet his fiance. together they were my good and bad angels on my shoulders. in keeping with tradition, todd, of course, got a tattoo from matt at blue flame. this time is was from the children's book frog and toad. frog and toad are flying a kite on todd's arm now. i even began thinking about what i might get tattooed on me some day. first to my mind was picasso's sketch of don quixote. it's simple, but it is one of my favorite sketches. if i wasn't poor i would probably have it right now. i had another idea, but it slips my mind.
todd desperately wants to move back to nc (from riverside, ca). the night he left, i believe it was him who wrote "not with a bang, but a whimper" on the whiteboard in my apartment. and i knew what he meant. so we spent the week enjoying bar-b-q, visiting with his sister, and trying to convince his fiance that they should move here when they get married. i'm not sure if we succeeded, but i know they had a good time.
and then there was a wedding...
i'm so happy for steph and charlie. i've known them for about 5 years now, and i can't see either of them with anyone else. so obviously, it was a good, happy wedding. things were a little chaotic...being that the photographer was an hour late and we only rehearsed the wedding once... but in the end, it worked :) then we all let our hair down and had fun at the reception. unbelievably, i've gotten a lot of compliments on my dancing that night. i'll just say that i was happy and having a good time, and when you feel that way your dancing reflects it, i guess. todd is still my dancing hero, though. picture tribal dancing with "oh my gosh the world was about to be destroyed my a meteor but something saved us all, let's celebrate" dancing. it is inspiring to watch.
so after a long, enjoyable week, i am now in the process of packing my things. this week i will gradually move to my new place in apex. i will no longer be living in the middle of nowhere and paying $800 to do so. yes, there are bills to catch up on, but i'm so excited. i'm going to put a tarp and cloth down in one section and create an art studio. johana has one, and i have realized that i need one too. that and my "recording studio". i'm finally going to let art have the place in my life that i always wanted it to have. in the words of adele: should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere? or would it be a waste even if i knew my place? should i leave it there? the point is, would you risk it knowing it might lead to nothing? ....i will.
and the treadmills at the new place are 100 times better. they're wider, have built-in fans, and even a digital display that shows your progression around a "track" as you run. plus, the machines face a mirrored wall, which not only helps you run straight, but also lets you mouth things to yourself like "run faster, fatty." which is fun.
spiritually, i have embarked on a new journey, or maybe a fresh journey. a real journey anyways. i have changed in a lot of ways over the past few years. one way i have changed, especially in the past few months, is that i've become more aware of other religions and views on life. but not just aware, but also interested in. i've met people who have posed serious criticisms not only on christianity, but also on religion in general. and some of these points are not the simple problems that many people cling to in order to avoid religion or justify laziness. certain issues i can see through instantly, whether it is really bitterness, or anger, or doubt. but there are philosophical questions that have brushed my ears, and i think that i need to dig deeper. i'm not afraid to do this. i am confident that if conclusions can be reached, they will build my faith and me as a person. todd once texted me "the answers aren't here, tom, but there is something to be said for the journey." he was referring to another issue i was dealing with, but it still applies. life is a journey.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ps: i had never loved anyone as much as i loved you. i made mistakes, i know...but what happened is in the past. then and now, i only want the best for you. i hope that you understand that. you know that i am always willing to forgive and forget, as i hope you forgive me for all my stupid blunders. i hope that you are truly happy with him and that things are going well for you. i do read your blog occasionally, to see how you're doing. i'm glad to see things are improving for you. ...you haven't lost this friend, kaylie. be happy. i am.
telescopically, it has been an amazing week. i got to see my friend, my bodhisattva from CA, and got to meet his fiance. together they were my good and bad angels on my shoulders. in keeping with tradition, todd, of course, got a tattoo from matt at blue flame. this time is was from the children's book frog and toad. frog and toad are flying a kite on todd's arm now. i even began thinking about what i might get tattooed on me some day. first to my mind was picasso's sketch of don quixote. it's simple, but it is one of my favorite sketches. if i wasn't poor i would probably have it right now. i had another idea, but it slips my mind.
todd desperately wants to move back to nc (from riverside, ca). the night he left, i believe it was him who wrote "not with a bang, but a whimper" on the whiteboard in my apartment. and i knew what he meant. so we spent the week enjoying bar-b-q, visiting with his sister, and trying to convince his fiance that they should move here when they get married. i'm not sure if we succeeded, but i know they had a good time.
and then there was a wedding...
i'm so happy for steph and charlie. i've known them for about 5 years now, and i can't see either of them with anyone else. so obviously, it was a good, happy wedding. things were a little chaotic...being that the photographer was an hour late and we only rehearsed the wedding once... but in the end, it worked :) then we all let our hair down and had fun at the reception. unbelievably, i've gotten a lot of compliments on my dancing that night. i'll just say that i was happy and having a good time, and when you feel that way your dancing reflects it, i guess. todd is still my dancing hero, though. picture tribal dancing with "oh my gosh the world was about to be destroyed my a meteor but something saved us all, let's celebrate" dancing. it is inspiring to watch.
so after a long, enjoyable week, i am now in the process of packing my things. this week i will gradually move to my new place in apex. i will no longer be living in the middle of nowhere and paying $800 to do so. yes, there are bills to catch up on, but i'm so excited. i'm going to put a tarp and cloth down in one section and create an art studio. johana has one, and i have realized that i need one too. that and my "recording studio". i'm finally going to let art have the place in my life that i always wanted it to have. in the words of adele: should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere? or would it be a waste even if i knew my place? should i leave it there? the point is, would you risk it knowing it might lead to nothing? ....i will.
and the treadmills at the new place are 100 times better. they're wider, have built-in fans, and even a digital display that shows your progression around a "track" as you run. plus, the machines face a mirrored wall, which not only helps you run straight, but also lets you mouth things to yourself like "run faster, fatty." which is fun.
spiritually, i have embarked on a new journey, or maybe a fresh journey. a real journey anyways. i have changed in a lot of ways over the past few years. one way i have changed, especially in the past few months, is that i've become more aware of other religions and views on life. but not just aware, but also interested in. i've met people who have posed serious criticisms not only on christianity, but also on religion in general. and some of these points are not the simple problems that many people cling to in order to avoid religion or justify laziness. certain issues i can see through instantly, whether it is really bitterness, or anger, or doubt. but there are philosophical questions that have brushed my ears, and i think that i need to dig deeper. i'm not afraid to do this. i am confident that if conclusions can be reached, they will build my faith and me as a person. todd once texted me "the answers aren't here, tom, but there is something to be said for the journey." he was referring to another issue i was dealing with, but it still applies. life is a journey.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ps: i had never loved anyone as much as i loved you. i made mistakes, i know...but what happened is in the past. then and now, i only want the best for you. i hope that you understand that. you know that i am always willing to forgive and forget, as i hope you forgive me for all my stupid blunders. i hope that you are truly happy with him and that things are going well for you. i do read your blog occasionally, to see how you're doing. i'm glad to see things are improving for you. ...you haven't lost this friend, kaylie. be happy. i am.
Monday, May 11, 2009
came across a reason, and the reason brought thank God figuratively or literally that there was a divergence of paths when there was. there was, there was and it is seen clearly now as a thank God because the pond is after all small and the swim is short after all. not to bait or wish baited lines in any direction, but only to thank God. it is seen now it that was was and it is as it should be. stamped as a sad or anything pattern as it is, it is, is, is. thank God.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
almost didn't go run today. todd's coming from CA, staying with me, and i have a lot to do. tonight will be busy, and i was thinking ... eh ... maybe i should forget this week and pick up next week. but i knew this was an excuse, and i wanted to kick myself for trying to start excuses. excuses are why i am where i am and not where i want to be. so i went running, and now i feel good. well, better at least. or just better about myself, because i'm really tired. still saying no to the coffee after all, and it makes me feel like a whole person somehow. although sometimes i feel like i'm subconsciously trying to prove something to someone who doesn't care, or becoming self-righteous about a stupid thing. yes, my mind is that messy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i'm right here and i'm all over the place. my best friends are marrying each other this weekend. i am at the same time wondering what will change and also feeling that not much will change. i dunno. but i know they are good people and great for each other. they will be together when i am walking with a cane and reading neruda out loud by myself in the streets. all my friends are getting married....almost literally. it has produce a strange effect in me. i see myself stepping out like i've never done before. it's obvious, i suppose...everyone is living their lives, going in their directions, and i am faced with my own fundamental questions and itineraries. and i think i'm doing ok with it. i don't think i'm rushing off in mad directions, yet i'm working through things earnestly. ok, narcissism.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
off to work on a birthday surprise for someone. :)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
almost didn't go run today. todd's coming from CA, staying with me, and i have a lot to do. tonight will be busy, and i was thinking ... eh ... maybe i should forget this week and pick up next week. but i knew this was an excuse, and i wanted to kick myself for trying to start excuses. excuses are why i am where i am and not where i want to be. so i went running, and now i feel good. well, better at least. or just better about myself, because i'm really tired. still saying no to the coffee after all, and it makes me feel like a whole person somehow. although sometimes i feel like i'm subconsciously trying to prove something to someone who doesn't care, or becoming self-righteous about a stupid thing. yes, my mind is that messy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i'm right here and i'm all over the place. my best friends are marrying each other this weekend. i am at the same time wondering what will change and also feeling that not much will change. i dunno. but i know they are good people and great for each other. they will be together when i am walking with a cane and reading neruda out loud by myself in the streets. all my friends are getting married....almost literally. it has produce a strange effect in me. i see myself stepping out like i've never done before. it's obvious, i suppose...everyone is living their lives, going in their directions, and i am faced with my own fundamental questions and itineraries. and i think i'm doing ok with it. i don't think i'm rushing off in mad directions, yet i'm working through things earnestly. ok, narcissism.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
off to work on a birthday surprise for someone. :)
Friday, May 08, 2009
ran 3 miles yesterday. ran 3 miles today. paid my last rent at this apartment (late). money is so tight these days...too many bills coming at once. but it will work out, and soon it will get much easier.
i threw away her paintings today, straight into the dumpster with some other trash. also, threw out the now-rotten flower that has been sitting in the corner of my bedroom for about a year. it was a day of swift goodbyes to things i have lost attachment to, which would be sad if i thought about it.
but there's too much else to think about these days. i realized that these runs i've been doing are tiny little efforts in comparison to where i want to be. i push myself, and at the end of the day i know that i still have far to go. it is a living symbol.
it is my friend's birthday today. i'm planning something special for her, though i haven't known her very long. it's going to take me all day tomorrow, and maybe sunday too. i tend to get very wrapped up in gifts for other people (when i have the ability to). this one might be a sink-or-swim effort. we'll see.
talked to my mom today. that was good. i need to talk to my family more. i'm probably self-absorbed a lot of the time. there should be more of a balance between living my life, taking care of myself, and being there for my family and friends. put that on my list of self-improvemnts. :-P
i threw away her paintings today, straight into the dumpster with some other trash. also, threw out the now-rotten flower that has been sitting in the corner of my bedroom for about a year. it was a day of swift goodbyes to things i have lost attachment to, which would be sad if i thought about it.
but there's too much else to think about these days. i realized that these runs i've been doing are tiny little efforts in comparison to where i want to be. i push myself, and at the end of the day i know that i still have far to go. it is a living symbol.
it is my friend's birthday today. i'm planning something special for her, though i haven't known her very long. it's going to take me all day tomorrow, and maybe sunday too. i tend to get very wrapped up in gifts for other people (when i have the ability to). this one might be a sink-or-swim effort. we'll see.
talked to my mom today. that was good. i need to talk to my family more. i'm probably self-absorbed a lot of the time. there should be more of a balance between living my life, taking care of myself, and being there for my family and friends. put that on my list of self-improvemnts. :-P
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
4 miles
i tricked my body into running 4 miles today, and it gave me a new perspective on running. i had been planning on stepping my workout runs back to 2 miles, but for the past two weeks i've been doing 3.1-mile runs on Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri. [side note: i find it easier to run when focusing on the length of time i'm running rather than on the distance.] today, i kept the speed between 6.5 and 7 mph. [side note: music helps too.] so i ran my usual 3.1 in 27 minutes. then, i paused the treadmill, stretched a little, then got back on and ran another mile. A HA! me fool you, legs.
it was during that last mile that i ran today that i realized that i could keep going for more miles. i realized that back in the days (haha, i kid, i kid) of running 2 miles, i was really only in the beginning of my running potential. it is very much like getting up to speed in a train. the beginning may be sluggish, but eventually you gain momentum, and it actually gets easier to step step step step step....
it was a beautiful and encouraging moment for me. and just as i reached mile 4, this verse of the song i was listening to came on:
Are you crawling through the dismal?
Gray of nothing,
frostbite kills.
Does this world make light of weaving,
shrouds to bury,
graves to fill?
I am just a kindred spirit,
a runner who is running still.
Welcome to the longest mile,
the most costly thing you'll ever hold,
wonderful is the journey,
the greatest story ever told.
thanks, reese roper.
ps. my life is getting different and better, and i like it.
it was during that last mile that i ran today that i realized that i could keep going for more miles. i realized that back in the days (haha, i kid, i kid) of running 2 miles, i was really only in the beginning of my running potential. it is very much like getting up to speed in a train. the beginning may be sluggish, but eventually you gain momentum, and it actually gets easier to step step step step step....
it was a beautiful and encouraging moment for me. and just as i reached mile 4, this verse of the song i was listening to came on:
Are you crawling through the dismal?
Gray of nothing,
frostbite kills.
Does this world make light of weaving,
shrouds to bury,
graves to fill?
I am just a kindred spirit,
a runner who is running still.
Welcome to the longest mile,
the most costly thing you'll ever hold,
wonderful is the journey,
the greatest story ever told.
thanks, reese roper.
ps. my life is getting different and better, and i like it.
Monday, May 04, 2009
empieza. to be moved, one location adjusted by distance to a new existence. music take me afuera while these things, they bring me to you. and if i stand dancing in the grass, and if my feet move only inches, estas cosas me acercan a ti. it was the great ice heist of 2009 and yes we did make off with billions of frozen molecules, which show me the more i think the more i see our human limitations--all the things we will never count or know or think. life has always been our deepest drink from a fire hose. there are, by the way, so many things that i mean to get my hands into, to dirty my hands with knowledge and understanding of the great ad infinitum with all its everythings and voids. es posible no tener ninguna personalidad? she seems to believe that una mariposa or a firwork night explosion are not these things because they change and become others. but these things are these things anyways. this is what they do, and here is what we will do. empieza.
adonde vamos?
adonde vamos?
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