did i mention i don't have internet?

but i do have yarn and needles. working on a scarf for the winter, then a blanket. i think that "knitting" has feminine connotations, so i like to refer it as "tying knots". lots and lots of little knots.

went on a bike ride with charlie today, on the greenway behind my apartment. apparently, it goes much farther than i thought. we did a 14 mile ride today, passing lots of turn-offs and i'm sure the trail goes much farther than where we road to. from my place to lake shelley is about 4 miles, and is pretty flat the whole way. which means: great place to run. the river next to the greenway is very "pretty".

i don't know. i just might never move out of that apartment.

the baymar bachelor

i am almost completely settled.

i have no internet or cable.

i don't have a microwave.

i have one neighbor and my back yard is woods and river.

the spiders are persistent.

the morning sunshine doesn't exactly shine in.

i wander from room to room some times, getting used to it.

it is going to be a good year.

i signed the lease for my new place today. it's always a little scary doing that. who knows what can happen in a year. well, i have an idea. but i have a decent place to lay my head, it's right on a greenway where i can run and bike along a river, and it has a fireplace. though i've lived alone for almost a year, this will be my very first apartment of my own--the lease only in my name. mr. solo dolo. it's exciting, and at the same time has me thinking, "Gulp." i liked the place from the start, though. the agent asked me after the first tour, "do you have any more questions?" and i said, "can i have it?"

it's also near umstead park, and lakes lynn and shelley. also, it's not in apex. not that apex is that bad, but no one wants to drive "all the way to apex." so hopefully i'll start seeing more of my friends more often.

my plan is to keep the place simply comfortable, or comfortably simple. having other people's stuff stored at the place i'm leaving made me really dislike the feeling of living among clutter and possessions. i've made a list of the things i need. the fate of the other things is yet to be determined.

i'm doing away with the idea of an art space like i had here at creekside. while i did use it occasionally, i have less space at my new place. plus, i want to focus on reading and writing over the next year, particularly poetry and songwriting. poetry has largely slipped away in my life, and i'm going to chase it down again. but only it's forms, not the content that i used to compulsively fall back to. i've realized while reading over my old poems that much of it was my attempt to deal with x person (girl) or x relationship. while these topics aren't unimportant, i know that there is much more going on in the world than all that. so no more driving a five-speed in first gear only.

my new place does not have a microwave. i went to target to price microwaves, and i'm wondering how necessary one would be. they are helpful, but i don't think i need one. it is these kinds of things--things that help to make life easier--that so easily clutter me into a feeling of claustrophobia lately. be gone, microwaves! be gone, infinite steak knives! be gone, forgotten calendars open to the wrong month!

but stay, you meaningful things. remind me where i've been. suggest where i might go, or should go.

i keep having friends tell me that 1.) i need to find a girl, or 2.) that i'll find someone soon, when i least expect it, etc. i honestly am starting to wonder if i have "single" written on my face, or embedded in my expressions. i really don't mean to give these sort of signals, if, in fact, i am. i'm actually starting to feel more focused on becoming the person i want to be; comfortable with my relationship status. so i don't know why i keep hearing these sort of remarks. first, i don't think i need to find a girl. and second, i really think that "you'll find someone when you least expect it" is just plain ridiculous, first as a smug statement, but also as an idea. why would anyone bother saying something like that. if it's true, you are probably actually hurting their chances of finding anyone. by saying it, you remind them of a potential mystery relationship out there and get them thinking about it and expecting it. so now that they've been reminded, they have to then once again get to the point of "not expecting it." why not just say, "forget about finding someone. it's not going to happen for a while. just try to enjoy being the single friend who no one wants to date, but can do as he pleases." i think that would be more constructive, anyway, and makes me feel like i'm no longer in the "valentine cards for yourself" aisle.

"this is our concern, dude."

i have a bump on my left leg that looks like a spider bite. this thought scares me, because i think if it is a spider bite, when did i get bitten? oh, did i mention we've found several black widows at our starbucks lately? and if not there, then i picture myself lying in bed one night or morning, with some hideous creature crawling up my leg and sinking its grotesque fangs into me. what did i ever do to it, but pay rent in a lower-income compartment complex. no offense, creekside apts, but you are a far cry from the american dream.

today was not a great day. job searching bummed me way out.

treadmill knows all :-P

6.65 miles in 62 minutes. burned 1064 calories. so if i do this three and a half times a week, i'll lose a pound (3500 calories) a week. this routine would put me at my goal in 5 months. maybe sooner if i make sure i'm eating healthy too. ah, that's a little overwhelming to think about...so i'm going to try not to.

just a little health diet journal entry.

all the value of my life is wrapped up into this very day -- today -- this one day that i am alive. only today offers me the chance to make choices. yesterday's choices are written down. tomorrow's choices are unknown. but today i have the ability to decide.

and at the same time, yesterday, today, and tomorrow are all one. though i may sleep in between, does time stop or break, leaving a gap between days? no. it is a seamless progression, an endless scroll.

i realized today that the world needs me. it needs me to live up to my potential, to be me to the very edges of who i can be: loony; goofy; awkward; different; at times, hard to understand; but kind; passionate; friendly; musical; romantic; thoughtful and thoughtless; wishful; energetic; trusting; curious; soft-spoken; unafraid; awed; intimate; forgiving; quick to love; slow to let go. everything me.

i have followed my friends around. i have slept on their floors like a faithful dog. i have been obedient, not whimpered, not barked. now it is time to be me, put on my shoes like a man, find out where me wants to go, without apology. the runaway dog leaves the family disappointed and concerned, but who knows the happy places it finds in the wild. sunlit woods. lakes with fish and ducks to chase.

i'm looking ahead on a "make it or break it" time. i don't have a plan, except to know that whatever i find, i meet it with all my abilities, all my heart, and come out on the other side a better man.