type "joe purdy" on www.pandora.com

for amy: i wish you flowers “of wind and play.”

and exactly after wishing this, turn
to a lamp-lit room where flowers have forgotten
to be.
and in the midst of this, these
sorts of whims and gradients of halogen
and filament--

be still, amy. do be still.

it is here if any ever or never at all
you will feel
these. second's. meanings.

and who is this and what has he done
or claim that he can do?
however:

what you feel in fact i believe you
know this to be true.

be still, amy | still be amy.

i mispoke a little bit, i did keep the one that you helped me make into something, and your sunset over water. the one that was my attempt at acrylic i plan on covering over with a new painting, if that is possible. the other, i framed and will keep, because i really did like it.

i have an art studio in my new apartment. i spent hours last night constructing a floor cover made of cardboard boxes and table cloths. it should do the trick.

the past couple days have been overwhelmingly empty. i've made a few runs back to the old apt. to pick up the last of the things 'yota the corolla can carry. lately, that place gives me the shivers. i don't know why. it has somehow become a painful place for me to go. i think it is seeing it empty that is doing that to me. but honestly, i have been pretty isolated and emotional the past few days. i've been feeling very insecure, and i have realized again that i hate to be alone.

so this is what i come to the canvas with...these frictions and questions and stares. i listen to pandora internet radio non-stop, all night long. i take my time, hours sometimes, cooking meals. it is like being on thin ice, yet not knowing with whom or for what reason. only weeks ago i laughed in the morning and sang at sunset. now, i just don't know what i'm doing or where i'm going. for me, it was never really about what i do...what goals i have...it was always about enjoying the people around me and the now. i think...

so when i'm on my own, it feels like there is too much space. the underlying issues and the unpacked boxes are cluttering everywhere, but the solitude expands beyond them all and demands a certain resolution.

but i stand wondering in a limbo. i look here...box. i look there...box. if only i could gather up and head out to somewhere else, something else, someone else. it has been an unfair six months, and it i feel like it's exactly what i deserve.

moving all your stuff to a new apartment by yourself stinks. having all your friends and family in other towns and states also stinks.

picking up wireless internet from your neighbor and listening to internet radio all day does not stink.

it was a long day of packing and moving, but i still have so much more to do. i'm just glad i started like two weeks early.

made some chili tonight, and found out my roomie chris is going to be moving to colorado to live with his cousin and work on a golf course. he's really excited, and i'm happy for him, too. i think it'll be good for him. he asked me if i want to go, and the conversation i had with a teacher today made me halfway consider it. apparently, this area is not good for teachers right now. i guess i'll have to choose another route or another place. but i'm not worried. life always progresses. not matter what's happening, it can always be seen as an improvement if you're willing to be optimistic and flexible.

it was sort of a hard day today, packing up things. i came across receipts and things from when i first moved into the place, and it of course got me thinking. but chris gave me a good talking to and i picked my head up. it wasn't a what-if thing with me, it was just a looking back over things thing, like looking through a yearbook years after you graduate.

the future is bright for those who see it so.
nc, co, ca, wa, we are all burning on as we go.

...and the border of tomorrow is already racing its way toward us around this globe.

i'm tempted to say something "bloggish" like: "this is either going to be a short smug post where i say i can't put the past week into words, or the longest post i've ever written, just to do it justice." but maybe there is a middle ground. i do have a lot to write about, and i'm currently trying to process it all and decide what level of detail to set the filter at, like a telescope, or a microscope.

telescopically, it has been an amazing week. i got to see my friend, my bodhisattva from CA, and got to meet his fiance. together they were my good and bad angels on my shoulders. in keeping with tradition, todd, of course, got a tattoo from matt at blue flame. this time is was from the children's book frog and toad. frog and toad are flying a kite on todd's arm now. i even began thinking about what i might get tattooed on me some day. first to my mind was picasso's sketch of don quixote. it's simple, but it is one of my favorite sketches. if i wasn't poor i would probably have it right now. i had another idea, but it slips my mind.

todd desperately wants to move back to nc (from riverside, ca). the night he left, i believe it was him who wrote "not with a bang, but a whimper" on the whiteboard in my apartment. and i knew what he meant. so we spent the week enjoying bar-b-q, visiting with his sister, and trying to convince his fiance that they should move here when they get married. i'm not sure if we succeeded, but i know they had a good time.

and then there was a wedding...

i'm so happy for steph and charlie. i've known them for about 5 years now, and i can't see either of them with anyone else. so obviously, it was a good, happy wedding. things were a little chaotic...being that the photographer was an hour late and we only rehearsed the wedding once... but in the end, it worked :) then we all let our hair down and had fun at the reception. unbelievably, i've gotten a lot of compliments on my dancing that night. i'll just say that i was happy and having a good time, and when you feel that way your dancing reflects it, i guess. todd is still my dancing hero, though. picture tribal dancing with "oh my gosh the world was about to be destroyed my a meteor but something saved us all, let's celebrate" dancing. it is inspiring to watch.

so after a long, enjoyable week, i am now in the process of packing my things. this week i will gradually move to my new place in apex. i will no longer be living in the middle of nowhere and paying $800 to do so. yes, there are bills to catch up on, but i'm so excited. i'm going to put a tarp and cloth down in one section and create an art studio. johana has one, and i have realized that i need one too. that and my "recording studio". i'm finally going to let art have the place in my life that i always wanted it to have. in the words of adele: should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere? or would it be a waste even if i knew my place? should i leave it there? the point is, would you risk it knowing it might lead to nothing? ....i will.

and the treadmills at the new place are 100 times better. they're wider, have built-in fans, and even a digital display that shows your progression around a "track" as you run. plus, the machines face a mirrored wall, which not only helps you run straight, but also lets you mouth things to yourself like "run faster, fatty." which is fun.

spiritually, i have embarked on a new journey, or maybe a fresh journey. a real journey anyways. i have changed in a lot of ways over the past few years. one way i have changed, especially in the past few months, is that i've become more aware of other religions and views on life. but not just aware, but also interested in. i've met people who have posed serious criticisms not only on christianity, but also on religion in general. and some of these points are not the simple problems that many people cling to in order to avoid religion or justify laziness. certain issues i can see through instantly, whether it is really bitterness, or anger, or doubt. but there are philosophical questions that have brushed my ears, and i think that i need to dig deeper. i'm not afraid to do this. i am confident that if conclusions can be reached, they will build my faith and me as a person. todd once texted me "the answers aren't here, tom, but there is something to be said for the journey." he was referring to another issue i was dealing with, but it still applies. life is a journey.

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ps: i had never loved anyone as much as i loved you. i made mistakes, i know...but what happened is in the past. then and now, i only want the best for you. i hope that you understand that. you know that i am always willing to forgive and forget, as i hope you forgive me for all my stupid blunders. i hope that you are truly happy with him and that things are going well for you. i do read your blog occasionally, to see how you're doing. i'm glad to see things are improving for you. ...you haven't lost this friend, kaylie. be happy. i am.

came across a reason, and the reason brought thank God figuratively or literally that there was a divergence of paths when there was. there was, there was and it is seen clearly now as a thank God because the pond is after all small and the swim is short after all. not to bait or wish baited lines in any direction, but only to thank God. it is seen now it that was was and it is as it should be. stamped as a sad or anything pattern as it is, it is, is, is. thank God.
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almost didn't go run today. todd's coming from CA, staying with me, and i have a lot to do. tonight will be busy, and i was thinking ... eh ... maybe i should forget this week and pick up next week. but i knew this was an excuse, and i wanted to kick myself for trying to start excuses. excuses are why i am where i am and not where i want to be. so i went running, and now i feel good. well, better at least. or just better about myself, because i'm really tired. still saying no to the coffee after all, and it makes me feel like a whole person somehow. although sometimes i feel like i'm subconsciously trying to prove something to someone who doesn't care, or becoming self-righteous about a stupid thing. yes, my mind is that messy.
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i'm right here and i'm all over the place. my best friends are marrying each other this weekend. i am at the same time wondering what will change and also feeling that not much will change. i dunno. but i know they are good people and great for each other. they will be together when i am walking with a cane and reading neruda out loud by myself in the streets. all my friends are getting married....almost literally. it has produce a strange effect in me. i see myself stepping out like i've never done before. it's obvious, i suppose...everyone is living their lives, going in their directions, and i am faced with my own fundamental questions and itineraries. and i think i'm doing ok with it. i don't think i'm rushing off in mad directions, yet i'm working through things earnestly. ok, narcissism.
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off to work on a birthday surprise for someone. :)

ran 3 miles yesterday. ran 3 miles today. paid my last rent at this apartment (late). money is so tight these days...too many bills coming at once. but it will work out, and soon it will get much easier.

i threw away her paintings today, straight into the dumpster with some other trash. also, threw out the now-rotten flower that has been sitting in the corner of my bedroom for about a year. it was a day of swift goodbyes to things i have lost attachment to, which would be sad if i thought about it.

but there's too much else to think about these days. i realized that these runs i've been doing are tiny little efforts in comparison to where i want to be. i push myself, and at the end of the day i know that i still have far to go. it is a living symbol.

it is my friend's birthday today. i'm planning something special for her, though i haven't known her very long. it's going to take me all day tomorrow, and maybe sunday too. i tend to get very wrapped up in gifts for other people (when i have the ability to). this one might be a sink-or-swim effort. we'll see.

talked to my mom today. that was good. i need to talk to my family more. i'm probably self-absorbed a lot of the time. there should be more of a balance between living my life, taking care of myself, and being there for my family and friends. put that on my list of self-improvemnts. :-P

4 miles

i tricked my body into running 4 miles today, and it gave me a new perspective on running. i had been planning on stepping my workout runs back to 2 miles, but for the past two weeks i've been doing 3.1-mile runs on Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri. [side note: i find it easier to run when focusing on the length of time i'm running rather than on the distance.] today, i kept the speed between 6.5 and 7 mph. [side note: music helps too.] so i ran my usual 3.1 in 27 minutes. then, i paused the treadmill, stretched a little, then got back on and ran another mile. A HA! me fool you, legs.

it was during that last mile that i ran today that i realized that i could keep going for more miles. i realized that back in the days (haha, i kid, i kid) of running 2 miles, i was really only in the beginning of my running potential. it is very much like getting up to speed in a train. the beginning may be sluggish, but eventually you gain momentum, and it actually gets easier to step step step step step....

it was a beautiful and encouraging moment for me. and just as i reached mile 4, this verse of the song i was listening to came on:

Are you crawling through the dismal?
Gray of nothing,
frostbite kills.
Does this world make light of weaving,
shrouds to bury,
graves to fill?
I am just a kindred spirit,
a runner who is running still.
Welcome to the longest mile,
the most costly thing you'll ever hold,
wonderful is the journey,
the greatest story ever told.

thanks, reese roper.

ps. my life is getting different and better, and i like it.

empieza. to be moved, one location adjusted by distance to a new existence. music take me afuera while these things, they bring me to you. and if i stand dancing in the grass, and if my feet move only inches, estas cosas me acercan a ti. it was the great ice heist of 2009 and yes we did make off with billions of frozen molecules, which show me the more i think the more i see our human limitations--all the things we will never count or know or think. life has always been our deepest drink from a fire hose. there are, by the way, so many things that i mean to get my hands into, to dirty my hands with knowledge and understanding of the great ad infinitum with all its everythings and voids. es posible no tener ninguna personalidad? she seems to believe that una mariposa or a firwork night explosion are not these things because they change and become others. but these things are these things anyways. this is what they do, and here is what we will do. empieza.

adonde vamos?

heading to pilot mountain this weekend for a no-longer-surprise bachelor party (thanks Abe :-P) for Charlie. should be a good time. lots of loud tunes, guitar playing, maybe some mountain climbing. oh, and throw in a few of steph's famous pies, which charlie has a tendency to eat in the middle of the night while everyone else is asleep. we'd better watch him closely.

i lost my driver's license at the kings of leon concert. i thought that the will call ticket booth had failed to give it back to me, but i guess i dropped it somewhere, because someone mailed it to my parents, which i'm both amazed by and thankful for. maybe i should cave in and use a wallet instead of just shoving everything in my back pocket?

yesterday, i was craving a good workout. i mean craving it. i wanted to be on the treadmill, running to music. but it was my day off from the gym, so i refrained. now, today, it is a workout day (i run Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Friday), and i'm feeling a little less motivated. but nevertheless, it's time to go. i know that once i get into my workout clothes and throw on my ipod, i'll be good to go. "it's like a switch..."

i've been inspired to paint by a local painter. no one who (might) read this would know her, but she is the most talented painter i've ever met, and has never taken an art class. it blows my mind, and, honestly, makes me a little jealous. but i also believe that everyone can improve when effort is made to get better at something. so that's what i'm going to do.

just one more month and i'll be out of this apartment. my west coast friend has invited me to spend a few weeks with him, and i'm seriously considering it. everything feels so chance-of-a-lifetime lately. i love it.

tom passaro, equally empty, equally to be loved, equally becoming patient and complete.

kings of leon concert was amazing. the opening band, the walkmen, were pretty good, except they all looked uninterested in the fact that they were playing for a sizable crowd. i believe the lead singer was filing his nails at one point. but the music was good. then kol came on, and there was much rejoicing. and dancing. it was indeed a good time.

work was hard to get through. the first couple hours were easy, for some reason. then, i just had to keep moving or i'd start really slowing down. but i told myself that if i made it through work without coffee, i truly had given it up. and i did. and i have. i drank lots of water, and i felt fine. and it wasn't until a customer asked me about it that i realized that i haven't even had any caffeine headaches.

i'm being interrupted by conversation...

tonight, kings of leon con mi nueva amiga. tomorrow, opening at starbucks. it's going to be a long and short night.

one week, one day, and counting. no coffee. my life feels delicious. ran a treadmill 5k. other things that are blowing my mind and heart to happy pieces are in the works. brevity and patience.

day six of No coffee. i like this like bubbles in chocolate milk. i like this like songs i like without asking others if they like them too. i like this like coming to a conclusion about kerouac's spirituality. i've been told he was crazy and i believe it, and i also believe he was desperate and trying to die only after a good, lifelong search for meaning in everything. and this in itself is commendable. i find myself at once envying his open, humble, good spirit, but also feeling uneasy about his complete collage of religious beliefs. from his writing, it would seem he thought of himself as a Buddhist Christian, gleaning the peaceful, existential beliefs that he found in each religion to build his own system of whatever he wanted. It wasn't completely a self-serving compilation, but his ideas were created and arranged on a daily basis based on his experiences, revelations, and meditations. there is something calming and peaceful in some of the things he says, something pure and goodhearted, but there is also this feeling of incompleteness; a need to keep searching for what it is he is looking for. but he loved the search, the journey. i can tell that he was made to meander and ramble through the world. i think he was a Universalist. but i've only read half of one of his books.

the more i read about history, the less i like where this country is going. it is pastoralism (the past is better than the present/future). the past had it's own problems. it lacked a lot of things that exist today. i guess the most important thing to feel pastoral about would be whether people are improving or getting worse. for example, during the 1950's, Che Guevera and Kerouac hitchhiked with complete strangers for thousands of miles. i could be wrong, but i don't see that happening today. so maybe that's an example of something we've lost...faith in strangers, maybe even faith in friends and family? so what have we gained recently? where are we going as a human population? i hope i don't sound like a humanist, because i believe spiritual issues are at the heart of social issues. i just feel like there is a downward trend in people now. maybe it's the economy, maybe it's missiles being fired in korea, maybe it's wars and rumors of wars. maybe i'm just not rubbing shoulders with enough of this world.

i don't know. today, i'm just the fifth non blonde, wondering "what's going on?" personally, i would love to go to foreign countries and get to know people, see what they believe, talk to them, help them carry their groceries, paint their walls. but in today's world, i feel like an american overseas is just a big target. so the logical conclusion of a passionate person is to go anyway. all i would be leaving behind (besides family and friends) would be a growing mass of Targets, Walgreens, CVSs, RiteAids, and fast food restaurants.

this morning i woke up and made a egg, mushroom, and broccoli wrap for breakfast. the wrap was a jalepeno cheddar tortilla. i know it probably sounds gross, but it was actually good. i like broccoli in my eggs.

i also made my first hard-boiled eggs today. one dozen, to be exact. i think the fact that pepper is my favorite smell goes back to when my mom would make hard-boiled eggs when we were little. we would break them open and sprinkle salt and pepper on them. my mom would also put pepper in mac and cheese, which i still do to this day.

now i'm sitting here at starbucks, sipping some hot passion tea. i have to be at work in an hour and a half, but i don't mind that. it's a good thing. my new favorite thing to do at work is to shake up unsuspecting customers in various ways. all in good fun, though.

today is my fourth day without coffee of any kind. i would've thought i would miss it, but...really... i don't. i think what is weirder is that i don't know why i've stopped drinking it. i just did, last friday. the only motive i can think of at the moment would be my love affair with ice water. it's my favorite thing to drink now. and when i think of drinking coffee, i get turned off to the idea because of the acidicmouthbreathmess it causes. for the past couple weeks, whenever i would get to the counter to place an order for some coffee beverage, i was having a really hard time figuring out what to order. i kept thinking in my head: "some ice water would be good."

so that's that. it's a similar feeling to when you move out of a house or apartment. you might drive by it sometime and think, "i used to live there. i spent a lot of time there." but you don't live there anymore. other people live there now.

it could also be a symptom of something else. lately, i find myself impatient with mundane things. the monotony of certain routines and schedules. certain things were nice and comforting for a while, but just aren't enough anymore. so, i declare myself in a stage of cutting out and replacing, setting out and exploring, finding, creating, and learning.

an interestingly isolated weekend.

when your friends are unavailable, in what ways do you change? in what ways do you become yourself more than at other times?

why is every day now a microscope view into who i am? i seem to find good and bad things as i search. one thing i'm becoming contentedly convinced of:

...some people are born to roam,
some people they roam this world alone...

studies show that 1 out of 4 marriages are happy marriages. about half of all marriages end in divorce. i'm starting to wonder

why bother.

there are so many books to read. so many places to go. so many lines to write.

i know, i know. i'm thinking about all the pros right now. my nephew is a great example of why to bother.

i just....

must we make it so hard on each other?

[stands in the biggest grassy field you can imagine, alone.]

read an incredible section of the dharma bums last night. it took my mind off of something i've been worried about lately. it was the climbing of matterhorn chapters. for some reason, i could visualize it and feel it all. i could feel what japhy felt, his victorious yodalayheeee and i could also feel rays disappointment and fear and clinging to the crevice. and i could experience what morley felt, relaxing down below on the the plateau by the pond in the sunshine. i was there, i know this, because i wobble off my rocker a little more each day. each day i wake up searching again for all the pieces of everything that has scattered in my sleep. but i suppose it is normal, considering.

i'm not sure if i'm ready, today. i have a decision to make, but today feels early. i'm so scared for you is why. the embarrassing thing is that it doesn't matter if you pull the plug on a ghost. you have to understand my side of it, though. you have to understand that it has all been hard for me to believe. perhaps it was a short period of evidence in the long run, but condsider my reasons for hesitating. and yes, my decision is to call off the searches. it has to be. it is the saddest thing, and i almost hate you for making me do it. but the city has been sieged for too long, the people have been starved into surrender. you have hated me and i tried my best to ignore that fact, to love in spite of reason, or reasons. i promised infinite. i promised absolutely no conditions. and in return i have received abandonment and neglect. i am always willing to forgive an honest heart, and that has been my undoing, in a way. despite everything i ever did, felt, said, no apology, interest, or contact comes. it is unbelievable to me.

i have worried myself by gathering information from sources, but not any more. gee, today is the day after all. i have been kicked to the curb, and i'm not going to watch the taillights fade anymore. you had someone who was willing to grow, willing to learn, and wanted to be happy in this life with you. you have made it clear that i can't reach you, that you don't want me, that you don't need me. so this is where it ends.

yes, it may be sad that it took me over four months to get to this point. four months to realize a love and friendship is dead. four months to realize that this weight should be shaken off. four months to accept this emotional casualty. your behavior has been pathetic and selfish and prideful. but you are who are, and you are somehow happy to have lost my love and friendship. it is ridiculous, but it is finally how you wanted it. goodbye.

laissez fair

what makes the leaf turn is that
and that is something we forsaw,
holding your head above your neck
why must you run so headlong?
yes me wrong and wrong and wrong
and in these hands i hold our nothings,
the whole earth must find me the beast
for searching for your resting place?
your fire's inside and i have no right
to know or be anything, that is the
reason i find in your eyes,
that is how the fire would die.
you have no idea what you never believed,
i write these uninvited sympathies
afraid to swim too near or far,
you are my shoreline, you always are.

i finished reading guevera's motorcycle diaries last night. honestly, the end part of the diaries were choppy and a little bit uninspiring. it was like he faded too quickly from a traveling hobo to a political activist. but i suppose that sort of transition, in response to the poverty and conditions he saw, should take place quickly. but for the book, it was a little unsatisfying. and i am only talking about that warm feeling of resolution that often comes after reading the last page and closing the book. i felt like i had traveled the length of south america, only to be abandoned in venezuela.

today, i figured out how to eat mexican for under four dollars. yummy. and during lunch, my friend relieved my sense of isolation in my dream life. it may be subconscious, it may be random brain cells firing off through the night. maybe it is the body's way of forcing us to deal with things we are trying to ignore or forget. whatever the reason or explanation, i'm resolved to make the best of what comes my way. today, i feel happy about approaching myself and this world in honesty. i don't have to talk myself into forgetting things or rushing away from...i dunno, facts, memories, feelings. today, i feel like i can face it all and accept things as they are, even the possibility that perhaps tomorrow i won't be so strong.

but i'm starting to see life in a different way. a better way, i think. a few weeks ago, i told a friend that i was in "overwrite mode," as in overwriting a cd-r with new information. but now, i don't feel that way. in fact, i feel the opposite of that. now i see myself as a book. everything that has happened has been written down. it is there and is part of who i am today.

but there are so many blank pages ahead, and that makes me smile inside.

i do hesitate, unreasonably, though. i admit that i feel a pang of guilt about moving on to write new pages of my life, which may possibly include another love. this is unreasonable because the one i am afraid of being "unfaithful" to has long since given up on me. why do i feel like i need permission to fill new pages? well, the reason is obvious, i suppose, or to me, anyways. she was the first girl i really loved. the first girl who really understood me and challenged me to be a better person. after something like that, the idea of dating someone else who may not inspire me and get me is just dreadful. actually, the idea of someone else alone is dreadful. i fell hard, so i suppose i have a long way to climb.

i guess this post is a good example of my life these days. up and down, up and down. but i can accept that.

there is a possibility on the horizon. two weeks in riverside. a change of scenery. new places. new faces. opposite shores. i save my pennies, i kiss my quarters.