i sit down to my laptop on the second worst day of my life. i find that the world is a little bit colder, a little harsher that i used to think, used to hope. and it's raining, and that is beautiful. just beautiful. if it weren't, i might be tempted to think that this day is only the third or fourth worst, and therefore i should have a certain fear of that other day in the future. but here it is, come to me in all its painful power. you might want to know what happened. you might also want to know what was worse than today. i'm not going to tell. honestly, what is this? a page posted in the hypothetical that is intended to reveal my reality. who am i, and who are you? if you don't already know what i'm going through, should you be reading about it on the internet? then all that really matters is that it's raining, and that is beautiful. that's so cynical of me, and i don't expect much more than that right now. i have been through this day before. i know the way i convince myself that i was wrong: that i only thought i cared. that someday i really will and i will know that i do and then it will all work out. yes, believe that. it's easier that way.

today in my 16th century english lit. class, dr. hester gave us a quiz. it had three questions.

1)What is the relationship between the Trinity and man?
2)What century is the literature from that we will be studying?
3)What is your professor's name?

i got a 66, since i was not there for his explanation of #1 last thursday. after the quiz he said something like "If you haven't figured out that this class is all about me, you need to." For some reason, he is one of two or three professors that i have this semester who have a severe ego trip going on. something about hearing them say "i've been teaching for 20 years, you're not gonna write anything new, you're not gonna suprise me, if it is good i'm gonna charge you with plagiarism" makes me want to say this: if you're so tired of your job, get a new one. teach something else. do something different with your life. but don't stick around here trying to convince me that you are some english god who will smite my futile attempts to build upon a thesis. i know you're shocked, but that's not why i'm in college.

symbolism

at the age of four he picked up his first book. sitting down, he stumbled through the opening lines of what would become to him a captivating story. even after he read the line Read no farther; you will not like this story. he longed to know, and not know, the ending. but as an affectable child, he took this line of advice to heart, and set the book down for good.

don't quote me on that

carrie said...
do you have a favorite quote, phrase or little tidbit of wisdom? and why do you love it?

my favorite quote? maybe "christian girls are the worst." - c.s. (initials have been used to protect the identity of the innocent/guilty). that's not really my favorite quote, but it does make me laugh every time i think about it.

i'm not sure i could pick one quote or phrase that i could call my favorite. i remember seeing a bumber sticker that said something like "if your life philosophy can be summed up on a bumber sticker, it might by time to get a new life philosophy." that's kinda how i feel about favorite quotes - it takes more than one sentence or phrase to deal with everything that i'm about. having said that, here are some things that i've always liked:

O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption (psalm 130:7). this verse has always made me hopeful. i love the idea of full redemption. "can't deny it, must have it!", as pri might say.

then there's anything ever said on seinfeld.

as i mentioned, i'm reading sentimental tommy, and there's a part in the story that makes me laugh. in thrums, there is this annual celebration called the muckley. it's pretty much like a fair or a carnival in town, and all the children save up their pennies and pences to buy candy and cards and swords and watch the plays that are put on. this is what barrie wrote:

Beware of Pickpockets! Had it not been for placards with this glorious announcement (it is the state's first printed acknowledgement that boys and girls form part of the body politic) you might have thought that the night before the Muckley was absurdly like other nights. Not a show had arrived, not a strange dog, no romantic figures were wandering the streets in search of lodgings, no stands had sprung up in the square. You could pass hours in pretending to fear that when morning came there would be no fairyland. And all the time you knew.
About ten o'clock Ballingall's cat was observed washing its face, a deliberate attempt to bring on rain. It was immediately put to death.

now, i'm not in favor of cruelty towards animals, but that is just funny. i also like how barrie describes the children emptying their pirlies for the muckley:

Every child in Thrums went to bed on the night before the Muckley hugging a pirly, or, as the vulgar say, a money-box; and all the pirlies were ready for to-morrow, that is to say, the mouths of them had been widened with gully knives by owners now so skillful at the jerk which sends their contents to the floor that pirlies they were no longer. "Disgorge!" was the universal cry, or, in the vernacular, "Out you come, you sweer deevils!"

then there is the whole area of song lyrics, and that is just too big to get into.

as i am now a twenty-four year old, i thought i would take a little time and type up a "twenty-four" themed post. every sentence will contain either 24 letters or 24 words. i have also created an iTunes playlist consisting of the top 24 most played songs that have a play count greater than 24, and i will listen to these songs as i write. first up, jolie holland sings "black stars", one of my all-time favorite songs. i seriously would marry her for her voice.

what does a twenty-four year old post about? how about his love life? fine idea, but as i have none, i will move on to more interesting things.

that was a lie, i do have a love life. at the moment i am in love with j.m. barrie's sentimental tommy. something about the way that tommy takes care of elspeth, comforts her through their mother's death, protects her from the godless boys of thrums. it's just a great story about protective older brothers and the small joys of childhood. barrie was really good at recalling those things. another reason i'm enjoying this book is that i get to read the thrums dialect. no dictionary is offered; the only way of understanding is through comparing contexts, and so in a small way it is like learning another language, which i enjoy.

another idea i had for this 24-themed post was to list 24 things about myself. but honestly, i'm not sure i could think of that many things that 1) people wouldn't already know, or 2) would be interesting enough for people to care about.

so, i have another idea. i am offering to answer 24 questions about myself. anyone may ask any question, and i will do my very best to answer it - possibly even devoting an entire post to the answer. think of this as blowing out 24 candles and getting 24 wishes (haha...no, i don't really think that me answering a question about myself is a wish of yours). but if it is, let's here them.

mini me

as i get older, i notice how good it is to be a child. not that growing up is without its benefits, but just look at this picture. when else in life can you look cute (i think) when tucking a dress shirt into gym shorts that are pulled up that high? and when else in life can you be so happy that you have a little styrofoam airplane? life was so different then.

often before i fall asleep i think of very random things. sometimes i remember them in the morning, but most of the time i don't. well, i was just in bed a minute ago, and i thought i should share what popped into my head. i'm really not sure where it came from. this is the thought i had:

"what is the answer to this question?"

i think this may be some sort of philosophical nexus of the universe, and a reward awaits the person who can answer it.

like i said, random, strange, non-sensical thoughts and ideas flood my head before i fall asleep. this is just an attempt to share that with you all. goodnight.

days like this make me wish we could switch the sun to A/C mode.

share....unless you're on a bike

something i learned in the first grade is that sharing goes two ways. if only one person is doing all the sharing, then it's called mooching. while driving home from class today, i realized that people on bikes are always demanding that we share the road, but never offer us what they have: the sidewalk. and when we do share the road with them, they break what we gave them: the flow of traffic.

now, i don't know how much it costs to build miles and miles of sidewalk, but let's just say it's not free. so if you are riding your bike on the street and notice traffic building up behind you, please, use the sidewalk. unless you want to trade.

Escuela del Verano, II, ii

i know i've already mentioned this to some of you, but even at the risk of beating the dead horse i'd like to give a visual illustration. i'm taking a class on the late plays of shakespeare and my professor is, i guess, very visually oriented. perhaps too much so. above is what rescue 911 would call a "dramatization" of what went on the chalkboard in class yesterday. it may be hard to tell, but this is the likeness of how professor Wall attempted to explain shakespeare's hamlet. the funny thing is that when he's lecturing, his visual representations of speech make just enough sense to be understood in that magical moment. however, if you were to take notes the way that he does, you would never be able to look back and understand what your notes mean. also, he spent half an hour talking about why buying pre-worn blue jeans is a dumb idea. the man loves a good tangent.

i must say that i am enjoying the class, though. so far we've read hamlet, twelfth night, and the beginning of measure for measure. i've been surprised at how many biblical references there are in shakespeare's plays. i wonder if he was a christian, or if it was just trendy to include those kinds of references. so far, twelfth night has been my favorite play, because, unfortunately, i found myself mirrored in the character of malvolio. i'm not really proud of that, but it was a good opportunity to get a bird's-eye view of myself, which was helpful.

today in fitness walking we hit the exercise bikes, and then the indoor track. let me tell you, there's nothing like speedwalking past a window of gym honeys...with your arms pumping like a mall-walker and almost a whole drop of sweat on your forehead. you can just tell they want your number. while we were on the exercise bikes, we were supposed to follow the progression of 60%, 70%, 80%, 90%, 60% (and so on) of our maximum physical effort. when asked how we were supposed to determine these levels, coach said "just ask yourself what percentage you think you're at. if you feel like your at 50% when you should be doing 60%, you should pick it up." thanks coach. how 'bout i just pedal until i'm tired?

my nano is called iTom

in this technologically advanced era, it has become easier for us to find music that we like, without having to pay for what we might consider "filler songs" on cd's. so, since it is so easy to find and buy single songs, i have put together a list of 20 songs that i think everyone should hear. you should be able to find all of them on iTunes or on myspace. of course, my tastes are as different as anybody's, so you may not like every song. but i recommend that you at least check them out. oh, and not all the links lead to the song i've suggested, so you may have to do a little searching. well, here goes, in no real order:

1. Poses - Rufus Wainwright
2. Black Stars - Jolie Holland
3. I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You - Colin Hay
4. White Daisy Passing - Rocky Votolato
5. I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab For Cutie
6. Every War Ends Up The Same - Lucas Reynolds
7. Stars And Boulevards - Augustana
8. Please Turn Red - Andy Davis
9. My Mystery - Edwin McCain
10. Love Story - Gabe Dixon Band
11. Heard 'Em Say - Kanye West
12. Black Sheep (Live) - Martin Sexton
13. The Big Show - Popvert
14. Measuring Cups - Andrew Bird
15. The Holidays Are Here (And We're Still At War) - Brett Dennen
16. The Last Time - Gnarls Barkley
17. Believe - Hanson
18. Sunday Morning Song (Live in Salt Lake City) - Howie Day
19. Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap
20. Carousel - Will Hoge

if anyone has a song to suggest, let me know...

i have been trying to post something for the past week or so, and every time i sit down to write it out, i just can't seem to put my finger on it. in the past couple weeks i have revisited my past through old friends, and realized that the future keeps coming. people are getting married left and right. i still find it hard to believe my younger brother is getting married in 3 weeks....i'm really excited for him, but holy smokes. i must have a lot of "growing up" to do, because i never really expected things to change so much. people ask me what i want to do after college, and i find it hard to believe that there is an "after college". but i do want to graduate, because i'm finding that i know less and less people who are in college, and that just makes me feel old and useless. i've also noticed that i seem to be losing what some refer to as the "social skills".

i used to think that if i could just be in a relationship with this one girl, i would be happy. we seemed to have a lot in common, and it was just fun to be with her. now, i feel pretty different. i have heard so much lately about how people and relationships and things won't make you content that i have lost the desire for those things. it's funny how things work out, i guess, but here i am: single, available, and disinterested. i know that there are many great christian girls out there, but, well i don't know what to say. it's not that i think i'm such a great catch that they're not worthy of me. i know who i am, and honestly i'm not impressed.

or maybe i'm on a selfish streak. maybe i'm a little kid, resisting the blue popsicle because i wanted the red one. or maybe i just have a "ridiiiiculous obseeession with loooove", and need a satine to cure me of it, though i feel like i've already had my share of cures.

and somehow i still haven't managed to get to what i meant to write. i meant to show my heart and my life, but i think i ended up just painting with emotions. i just want to be able to get a cup of coffee with someone and be able to think "this is nice." or to really know that my life is worth more than a college degree and some respectable career path. i want more than a safe american family life, and more than the seemingly coveted humility of an undercover third-world missionary. i want answers to questions that i'm almost afraid to ask. i want to know why i can't remember the last deep, meaningful conversation i had. i want to know why love goes unreturned. or why long posts get skipped over. or why a girl can like a guy who likes another girl who likes another guy. can love be wrong, or is it just that hard to distinguish between love and other motives? or when people say "heart", "mind", "spirit", "soul"....what do they really mean? do i have so many invisible parts?

i don't think i'm gonna get to it this try.

to type--perchance to post

Viola: Art not thou the Lady Olivia's fool?

Clown: No, indeed, sir. The Lady Olivia has no folly. She will keep no fool, sir, till she be married; and fools are as like husbands as pilchers are to herrings -- the husband's the bigger. I am indeed not her fool, but her corrupter of words.

- Willam Shakespeare, Twelfth Night

good old bill shakespeare. what a funny guy he was.

i'd like to let everyone know that jolie holland will be playing at the pour house on july 18th. check out her music, and if you like it you should join me there.

i'm sorry that i have not been updating (upcourting?) my blog as much as usual. as i have much reading to do, i must focus on that. so forgive my slackness for a short while. oh, don't cry. please. you know i'll come back for you. love never fails, always hopes, always trusts.

hasselhoff rocks the mic

not too long ago i heard that david hasselhoff is not only our beloved michael knight of knight rider, but also (1) german and (2) a very popular pop singer in germany. when i first heard this amazing news, i was, as you are now, both stunned and itching with curiosity to hear his music. well, you kids are in luck. i am posting here not just a song, but a music video for your viewing (dis)pleasure. i would say "enjoy...", but i'm pretty sure you have to be high on believing/drugs to do so. :)

this is just an attempt to inform the world that people don't leave there houses and head out to public places so they can listen to other people's cell phone ring tones. i've never once had the pleasure of hearing someone else's phone ringing and thinking to myself "i sure hope they don't answer that, because i'm having such a great time listening to it from across the cafe." seriously, if you're gonna be in a quiet place and plan on receiving a lot of phone calls, how about trying the "vibrate" option? thanks.

the art of silence

there was a time when i could listen to music in my car. granted, there were only 2 working speakers, but i could still pretend that it sounded good when i was the only one in the car. sadly, though, i am now down to one speaker, and the other drowns it out with a buzzing crackle that is unbearable. so i've had a lot more time to think, lately, in the silence of my car. it's either that or i can sing to myself, and honestly i'm not a big fan of my own voice (no, that wasn't an attempt to earn pity points). so what have i been thinking about? well, life. and my life in particular. a lot of the time i think about what is wrong with my life, and what is wrong with me. for example, i wonder if i have ever really loved anyone, whether in a brotherly love or a love love sort of way. i'd like to think that i have. i believe that i love my family, and my friends. but what if i "love" my family because they raised me or grew up with me. what if i "love" my friends because they make me laugh. what if i "loved" some girl because i liked the way she smiled and looked at me out of the corner of her eye. perhaps i'm over-analyzing things. but i read verses like those found in 1 corinthians 13, and try to run through them like a checklist. am i patient? am i kind? do i insist on my own way? am i resentful or do i bear all things? does my "love" ever end? how can i read verses like this and still feel like i have no idea what love is? the reason i ask this is that i have a history of liking a girl and not wanting to move on from pursuing that relationship, even when all signs point to "for the love of all things holy, let go!". so i wonder "did i ever really love her?" maybe, maybe not? or do i just have to learn how to give her a different kind of love...a brotherly love? man, i start thinking about this and all the sudden it doesn't make any sense.

"There are three things that are too amazing for me,
four that I do not understand:
the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a snake on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
and the way of a man with a maiden."


so by now you all should be thinking "somebody get that kid some speakers". financial contributions welcome.

another day, another page

Are you surprised to find me dying?
Broken so long ago and just barely
clinging to an old feeling, a dream,
and now laying here before you
with no feeling to unify all
the helpless pieces of a dream.

Your hair curled in whispy waves,
swirled in a radiating feeling
that burned me down to ruins;
I woke to find
a pile of ashes, stone, nothing.
You could kill me with a grin.

I searched for you more than anything,
hoped to pass you on a street,
to meet you again for the first time.
The worst days - when you were absent-
came to me like news of war,
a merciless gun in my face.

Ready, loaded down with empty ways
of keeping me alert, always aware
of the searching through cooling ashes,
of the daylight running out from tired veins,
a heart too mechanical for its own purpose.
Tell me, is that the truth?

I'll hold your hand, lie still, cry
about the way your hair still curls,
falls through the cracks, tangles up
in this heart of metal and wire,
my absent life grinding to a hault
as I explain I was never


he stopped there, finished the last of his coffee, and closed his moleskin notebook. what is it about this pen, this cafe, this time of day, this town, that always makes him feel like leaving? of all the people who have ever lived on this earth, why him? why fill his heart with

they'll never really know this,
this laying in the dark,
staring at the walls,
restless, counting heartbeats,
wondering how to turn thinking off,
wreck this train of thought.
spinning fan, spinning fan,
moving air, darkened walls.
endless prayers of help me this,
tell me that, please, please.
spinning fan while wondering
where He is, what He wants.
give me, heartbeats, mercy, tears.
show me, restless, daylight soon.
they'll never really know this.

The Luminazine: To Infinity and More Infinity

According to modern science, the moon is about 240,000 miles away from the Earth. according to my odometer, my car has traveled that far, plus another 30,000 miles. That means i could've driven to the moon and been on my way back by now. Of course it would have taken me 112.5 days of non-stop driving at 100 mph, which i'm guessing is pushing the top speed of my car. if i were on my way back, my "houston, we have a problem..." message would include "...no A/C..." and "...umm, how exactly do i land this thing?!"

everyone listen up, i have an announcment to make. as of right now, the united states is no longer made up of 50 states. i've been thinking about it, and it's just not working out. it's not you, it's me. so what we're going to do is this (please refer to the new american map for clarity): all the lands within the former US borders are now reserved for single guys only, with the eastern portion reserved for me. this means all you single girls need to pack your things and move to mexico. buen suerte y vaya con Dios. as for all you married people, please note that the map shows your new homelands to be in canada. if you have kids, you can live in the east where there are already cities and canadians. if you don't have kids, i'm sorry, but it looks like the cold middle of nowhere for you, eh? and old people, have fun in the area formerly known as alaska.

now, i understand that in order for these areas to maintain their newly assigned identities, there will have to be more married people, married people with babies, and old people. for this reason, i will allow single girls to follow the "California Trail", which runs through single guy land to the west of the rocky mountains. during their passage, these girls can get married and continue moving north towards the land of the married people.

well, that's about all i have to say. don't forget to use the buddy system. and if there are any questions, dial 911.

cape fear river

this past monday, memorial day, i had the chance to be in wilmington with my friend abraham. while there, we decided that we should go kayaking in the river. so we called his friend jason, who owns a mini-van, loaded up the kayaks, and set out on our adventure.

here i'll mention that i have always had a fear of murky water. i guess it's some irrational fear that if i can't see the bottom there is something there that wants to eat me.

so we headed out from a dock just south of fort fisher, and proceeded across the sound to some islands. apparently, i'm not good at paddling a kayak because i kept heading in the wrong direction, despite great efforts. i blame the wind and the waves.

fast foward through about four hours of island hopping, marsh exploring, and miles and miles of paddling. on our return to the dock, we felt it would be easier to cross the breakwater (a long man-made wall in the river) and follow it back up the river, hopefully having the counter-current on our side and plenty of water to paddle in - we got stuck a couple times and had to drag our kayaks through a few inches of water. i didn't mind, because (1) my arms were tired and (2) i got to see some crabs that way.

well, once we got to the main part of the river, it was pretty easy going. we were just paddling along and paddling along and then i looked down and what did i see? i saw a shark fin. the sun was glaring off the water so i couldn't see the whole shark. plus the water was murky...which confirms my fear of murky water. the part of the fin that was showing was about 6 inches long, and from that Abe said the shark would be 4 or 5 feet long. maybe i overdramatized the illustration a bit. but it did make the trip more exciting, and i didn't get eaten, which is good.

i think i even got a muscle or two. anyone want tickets to the gun show?